Been Busy

Hey readers, its been a while! (okay, less than two days but its a big deal!)

I've been doing some shopping and I finally got myself a red tanktop! :DDD

Anyways, I think I'm playing around too much & its not looking good. Have three days of the weekend but then again, I have an assignment from each subject I'm left with...

I got my geo lens! Finally! :DDD It's comfortable to wear and cheap! Yay!

All I can think about now is A2 A2 A2 A2 A2, and its taking out the joy in life. :S

Dearest Shanshan, thanks for temaning me throughout the week, when I couldn't sleep because of my stupid fears. :D. I love you :D

I borrowed the Chronicles Of Narnia from the library! So cool! It's all 7 books in one. Super thick. Like a dictionary! hahahaha. I've almost finished the first book. But I doubt I'll be able to read much because I'm so busy! XD

Xin's birthday is this Sunday! (or at least she's celebrating it during then :P) Can't wait to play with little kids. I'm actually excited about this & I don't really understand why. I usually hate kiddos. xD

I'm on a mission to loose weight. :)










Psst : whatever happened to your promises about us?

Pushed

Do you know, what it feels like to get pummeled down to the ground? To get hit over and over again. It's like, I'm forcing myself to believe that eventually, everything will be alright. But this happens. & it won't stop. Am I being too nice? Or maybe this is the way things should be. I tone down, let you take charge because I'm just tolerant enough? Or is it because, I just am too tired of being bitchy and nonsensical?

Don't ask me, I'm not even sure myself. I just hope that eventually things will get better and I won't have to force myself anymore.

I keep thinking of the many million ways life could have been better for me. But what's the point? When all that does is make me ache more for the sense of finally belonging somewhere.

I step in here, take a deep breath, look up at you, smile, and whilst all of that is happening, I realise that this is the way life is gonna be for me, for the rest of my life. I'm stuck in reality. I'm stuck here. I'm stuck with this smile on my face, as if, nothing is happening at all.













Psst : I lie to myself, so I don't have to let you lie to me and hurt me as badly.

Homework

hahaha, i think i'm probably the only person who forgot that coming back to college means homework and staying up late to complete the homework. xD

Dammit. I didn't do my literature research and econs homework/test thingy yet.

AHHHHHH.

bye world. been nice knowing you

In just a moment

I shivered, it was cold. I felt cold, not only on the outside, but in the inside as well. Its not fun to be alone. It's not fun to be left cold.

I lie down, thinking of the times where your touch would make everything alright. How the warmth of your smile would be the best remedy to my wounds. How the look in your eyes make me feel hot inside. How you seem to be my hot water bottle, in the cold.

I imagined your hands around me, holding me close so that it would make me feel better. Then I stopped. I couldn't continue lying to myself and telling myself, all I have to do is hold on a moment longer before someone fills this empty place. But no, it's never going to happen so I stop myself. Before I fall into the darkness once more.

Seeing myself in this pain, in this cold, I'd rather just wrap myself, keep myself warm in my dreams while freezing on the outside. Because sometimes, just sometimes, dreams should never turn into reality, because it takes away the sweetness of it all.

I promise myself, I'll get over it. I promise myself, think about all of this, whilst I pull on my jacket. A mere action that couldn't take more than half a minute.








Psst : Relationships are like glass, if it breaks, maybe sometimes, its just better to leave it broken before it cuts you deeper and leaves a scar.

Pssst : It took me long enough, I was deluded for long enough, to finally realise, its been a whole year since I was in a relationship. Because finally I remember, I ended it, one year ago. And it was never there since that day. I should have realised it, instead of just trying to pick up the broken pieces and get scarred at the end of the day. And for what good? I know now, I'll never fall as easily as I did before.

Dead - indeed

I'm thinking of the possibilities. Of the many ways I could have handled the situation. I'm tired. Dead Tired. Dead-indeed. I feel as if I'm gonna nod of any moment and yet, the minute my eye blinks, I'm back awake. I can't fall asleep the way I wish I could. 1) because I'm in college 2) because I think there's something wrong with me.

Is it that, I don't fall asleep so just that I can hear your voice in my head? In my heart? Is it that, I don't fall asleep because I'm a major baby and I can't sleep cause I'm afraid of the dark because I watched a horror movie. Make your pick, its between of both. I just can't figure out which one matters more now. Or at least, my head is blankkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.

I need, more than a hug. I need, more that a kiss. I need, more than what I've got. But what exactly is it? Why am I feeling so disturbed? Trust me people, I'm not depressed, or unhappy for that matter. I'm just thinking and thinking and suddenly I don't see the point in pushing myself any further because it just doesn't make sense for me to sit around, moan and cry like some pitiful, useless beast with nothing better to do in life.

What do I do? I just wait. Enjoy the view. Think about how its all gonna turn out in the end. But you know what they say, you'll never be able to see the road too far ahead. I can't even imagine what's gonna hit me once A-levels is complete. I don't want to think that all of this is gonna effect me but TADA, it has.

I read some blogs. Okay, at least, 2 blogs about two people who mean a lot to me. I don't know much about what goes on with their lives. But I wish somehow, everything will be alright for them. For these two people whom, if I see any one of them upset, my whole world takes its turn with them. Somehow, they are my faith. Somehow, I need to see it to believe it once more.

Somehow, I think I'm still trying to mend my broken heart, and yet, on purpose, leave it blank inside so that, if I ever fall in love again, well, maybe falling out of it, won't hurt as much anymore.