Mine to lose. Always

Being alone and living alone and away from home has given me a bit more time to deal with the thoughts in my head. Or at least to properly think about things which I have been refusing to think about.

Why do I still miss you?
Why do I still care?

Why is it that I keep wondering how are you even after leaving you so long ago?

I tried getting over you by distracting myself. But obviously, I drifted from one heartache to another.

But I still do wonder why is it that I regard what we had as the closest thing to perfect?

I have significantly changed my life although the essence of it hasn't really changed.

I started new habits.
I got rid of old habits.

I do more of what I wanted to do last time.
I do less of what I used to enjoy doing last time.

I told you that

In our next life, I want to find you again. And hopefully fate will finally let us be together. No matter how many times I go through that moment in my life, I always will and still do weep a few silent tears of having to let us go.

I always thought that I knew what love is.
That strong desire to try everything to be with that person.

But I realised at the end it isn't just those feelings.
It's what I'm feeling now as well - or at least love is part of what I'm feeling.

That deep underlying current of emotions swirling even when we are apart.

I might not have you now.
Nor will I probably ever have the chance to see you again.
But I wish somehow that we never met.

So that my heart never knew what it is to love
And to find out how to shatter into a million pieces, burst into flames and finally let the ashes get blown away by the wind.

You were mine.
But I have to let you go.

My life is no longer the same.
We are no longer the same.

But in essence there is something that will always make us travel that parallel distance. No matter for how long or how far. Our paths are next to one another but never together.

I see that now.
So I'm gonna let it go.

So even if I find you again in the next life,
Please, don't be mine to lose again.
Cause I know inevitably, we will be forced to part.